STARSHIP OF FOOLS - (C) 1986 Jerry Kindall and Rex Crossley

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

"Nobody ever reads these stupid epigrams."
                                                       - The Authors

     I woke up.
     "Are you all right?" asked Zot.
     "Sure," I lied, and leaped to my feet although my body was
protesting strongly against such an action.  "What happened?"
     "Several thousand volts of electricity flowed through your body,
forming the necessary ground connection."
     I was shocked.  "You mean -- I was shocked?"
     "The electricity goes in through this power lead here, and exits
through the ground connection.  I am sorry that you had that unhappy
misfortune.  But, after all, you volunteered."
     Leftover electricity crackled in my body, and my hair stood on end.
 Gritting my teeth, I touched Zot and saw a huge spark leap between my
finger and his posterior.  Whistling, I shook my tingling finger while
Zot jumped three feet into the air.
     "Well, let's go to the bridge and see how Donald's mission is
going," I suggested.
     The others murmured their agreement.  We went.

                                 * * *

     "Listen!" whispered Melvin.  His head had cleared somewhat and he
was once again his old self.  "I think I hear something around that next
corner."
     Xorn, Snort, and Melvin came to a stop.
     Tromp tromp tromp tromp tromp.
     "What's that?" Xorn whispered.
     "I dote doe."
     "Melvin?"
     "Beats me."
     Xorn carefully drew his laser and motioned for Melvin and Snort to
stay behind; this could be dangerous.  He inched toward the corner. 
When the moment was right, he leaped around the corner, ready to face
the enemy.
     Tromp tromp tromp tromp tromp...

                                 * * *

     We tromped down the corridor.
     "What's that?" I whispered.
     "What's what?" Zot asked.
     "I thought I heard a voice ask 'What's that?'"
     "That was you," replied Zot.
     "No," I hissed.  "Before that."
     "I have no idea."
     We continued tromping down the corridor.
     "Wait," I whispered.  When we had come to a stop, I said, "I think
it came from around this corner."  Then I remembered something.  "Is
anybody here armed?"
     Chester looked at his muscular arms.  "I've got a couple."
     "Shhhhhh," I shushed.  "I mean, guns."
     Zot handed me Jordann's stunner.  It felt strange to hold the
weapon that had killed me in my own hand, cold but somehow comfortable.
     I inspected the gun quickly and decided that all I had to do was
point it and pull the trigger, just like any ordinary gun.  I also
noticed that the dial on the back of the gun was set on "Safety."  I
turned it to "Stun 3 Hours," which was halfway between "Buzz" and
"Permanent Unconsciousness."  Now I was set.
     I edged toward the corner, holding the gun ready in my right hand. 
When the moment was right, I leaped around the corner, ready to face the
enemy.

                                 * * *

     Donald looked around, finding himself in the midst of a busy
corridor aboard Jordann's ship.  He looked at the detonator, watched the
pretty blinking lights for a while, then, as he heard the shouts of
people around him, shrugged, and pressed The Button.
     The November exploded into billions of tiny, glowing splinters.

                                 * * *

     The explosion rocked the Glorkwinkle; the aftershocks rolled the
Glorkwinkle.  Rock 'n' roll.  I barely noticed them as I leaped around
the corner, my stunner at the ready.
     I collided with a well-dressed businessman, yelled in surprise, and
ended up on the floor.  Our weapons went flying.  We scrambled to our
feet, getting ready to engage in physical violence.  I was suddenly in
the mood to slug someone.
     "No!!" cried Melvin from around the corner.
     Melvin?
     "Melvin?" I asked.
     "Yes!" Melvin cried.
     "Stop!" I screamed, taking another look at the businessman.
     "Stop!" Melvin screamed at us.
     We stopped.  We stood back.  We stared at each other.
     "Ooooooooooohhh!" oohed a passing zombie.
     "Melvin!" said Zot and Zordoff.
     "Eeeeeeeeeeek!" shrieked Rhye, pointing at the receding form of the
zombie.  "Did you see that?"
     "Matt, did you break another mirror?" asked Melvin apprehensively.
     "Don't be a pebble," I said.
     "Well, Matt," said Melvin, indicating the guy I had been attacking,
"this is my old buddy Xorn, who just happened to be passing by and
decided to lend us a hand."  Xorn was picking himself up off the floor. 
"Xorn, this is my friend Matt."
     "Hi, Xorn," I said, even managing to pronounce the "X" correctly. 
I looked at him; he looked at me.
     "Do you always greet Melvin's friends like that?" Xorn asked me.
     "Did you guys see that zombie?" tried Rhye again.
     "And Xorn," continued Melvin, "this is Rhye, and Chester, and --"
     "Wait!" I interjected.  "Wasn't that an explosion a couple of
minutes ago?  I think Donald may have been successful."
     Melvin stopped talking in mid-word, his mouth wide open.  "Quick!
To the bridge!"  He dashed madly toward the nearest elevator.
     Rhye screamed, frustrated.  Nobody seemed to be taking her zombie
report seriously.
     The rest of us sauntered after Melvin.
     "AAAAIII - Hey, wait!  Where's everybody going?  Wait for me!" 
Rhye ran after us, rearranging her hair.

                                 * * *

     Zeek flew through the corridors of the nerd ship at breathtaking
speed.  "Ooooooooh!"
     He raced by a group of assorted living beings, trying not to be
overwhelmed by the urge to "Oooh" them, and failing.  "Ooooooooooh!"
     One of the beings shrieked and pointed at him, but he didn't
notice.  He was already gone, leaving those poor saps behind to be
scared witless.  On to bigger things.
     Speaking of bigger things, he heard a blubbering sound coming from
the teleport room.  "Blublrblubrlblubrlbrulbl."  He stopped short,
listening.
     "Blublrblubrlblubrlbrulbl."  It could only be Jordann, his
grandson, he thought, stepping in cautiously.
     Jordann's eyes were closed in brooding, his lips blubbering.  There
was only one thing that Zeek could do.
     "Ooooooooooooooohhh!  Wooooaaaaaahhhhhh!"  He swept by Jordann.
     Jordann opened his eyes.  Slowly they focused on Zeek.
     He had been brooding.  Difficult as it was to believe, he had lost.
 He didn't like to admit it, but he had to accept it.  Right now he had
to escape, so he could fight again another day.  And Zeek just might be
his ticket out of here.
     Jordann recalled his younger days, when Zeek had still been living.
 Zeek had been a fairly proficient magician, as had his son, Jordann's
father.  Sometimes Jordann regretted turning his broad back on family
tradition, but then he'd go out and conquer something and it would make
him feel better.  Now it was obvious that he had to cut his losses.  If
Zeek remembered any of his old spells, he might just be able to break
the magic barrier.
     A plan formed in Jordann's mind.  An expression of terror swept
across his face.  "Oh no," he moaned.  "How can it be?" He stared in
terror at the spot where Zeek was standing.  "It is the ghost of my
grandfather Zeek!"
     Zeek beamed proudly, his zombie lips widening grotesquely.  He had
not even suspected that he had the ability to materialize, but there
Jordann was, gaping at him like a moron.  "Oooooooooooooooh!"
     "It is!" Jordann said.  "My grandfather Zeek!"
     "Ooooooooooooooh!"
     "Do you remember any of your magic spells?"  Jordann asked
hopefully.
     "Ooooooooooooooh!"
     "Once for yes, twice for no?"
     "Oooh!"
     "Can you get me out of here?"
     "Oooh!"  Zeek stepped back and cocked his head in Jordann's
direction, trying to visualize the magic barrier.  He oohed loudly and
waved his hands.  The magic barrier vanished.  Zeek beamed, a decayed
tooth falling out of his mouth.
     "Oh, thank you, great one," said Jordann as he struggled to his
feet.
     "Oooooooooooooh!" said Zeek, and Jordann grabbed him by the neck,
dragged him to the nearest airlock, and threw him out into space.  That
wouldn't hurt a zombie -- in fact, the flash-freezing might preserve him
a while longer.  Jordann would pick him up later, if he got a chance.
     Jordann bounced down the corridor happily.  Things were back to
normal.  Soon he found what he was looking for.  He jammed his bulk into
the narrow opening and jettisoned the escape capsule toward his ship.
     His ship exploded.
     Jordann quickly corrected trajectory, setting a course for Home
Planet, vowing that someday he would be back, bigger than ever.

